I am going to write about equilibrium, balance, which will be a bit difficult when listening to Brahms, the Piano Concerto No.1 in D minor with Stephen Kovacevich as pianist. The passion, the exhuberance of Brahms’ early work (he was in his 20s when he composed this piece) may tug at my heart and I may lose track, but here I go, nevertheless.
I’ve been through a period of changes, tremendous changes, I would say and I feel this is only the beginning. I’ve felt joy and pain, and then pain again. Upon reflecting on what has happened to me, I’ve understood something about myself and my relationships with people in general, love relationships in particular. I realize now that every person that has been into my life has revealed something of my psyche in its whole complexity: shadow, unconscious and self. I understand now that what I need to work on is to integrate all the aspects of my psyche into a flowing continuum, or into a balance. There is nothing negative about our selves, and there’s nothing positive either. All there is is this continous struggle to gain supremacy of some force or another, and our (my) continous yielding towards one aspect or another. To strike the balance is to learn how to dance to this counterpoint of life’s music; the opposites are in fact two prefectly interdependent voices, and dancing to them means hearing them both, but yielding to none, lest the dance become skewed, unbalanced, biased.
So I am now at the point when I am listening to this music trying to understand the 2 voices and especially, the point where they meet. What keeps me from hearing the music in its complex simplicity is the need to control things, superficiality, the need to be loved, the need to love, the need to change myself, the need to change others, and above all, the need to change all these things. I am stuck with all this now, and probably the only good thing about it is that now, for the first time, I am bloody aware of it. I am aware of the fact that I am lived rather than living.
And here’s good ol’ Henry Miller who suffered and loved and created, above all, he created. He inspired the title of this post.